In this chapter
Locus of control is when I take responsibility for what I do
Adults can help children learn to take responsibility for their actions
What is Control?
"Ryan stole my pencil! I had to hit him!" pleads Stevie, looking as if a great injustice is about to be thrust upon him. For Stevie, the assault was Ryan's own fault. "If Ryan hadn't stole my pencil, he wouldn't have gotten hit!"
Control, as a social skill set, refers to taking control over one's own behavior. It means to take responsibility for one's one actions and behavior. Stevie is not taking responsibility for his own actions.
A term used in the social scientific literature is locus of control, and it has to do with "how we take responsibility for our actions." An external locus of control means that we believe our behavior is someone else's responsibility. An internal locus of control means that we understand that we are in charge of our own behavior.
A person with an external locus of control believes in good luck and bad luck. "You can't really control what happens to you, so you just hope for the best." A person with an internal locus of control will say, "My choices matter. I can't always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to what happens to me." A person with an internal locus of control believes that decisions and choices have a powerful effect on their future.
| A person with an external locus of control might say things like this |
A person with an internal locus of control might say things like this |
| Ryan made me hit him. |
I felt angry and then made a choice to hit Ryan. |
| The bus left without me. |
I didn't organize my time well enough to be at the place where the bus said it would be |
| They stopped delivering the newspaper to my house. |
I didn't make the payments on time, so the newspaper stopped giving me the paper. |
| The keys are lost. |
I can't remember where I put my keys. |
| All the other kids are doing it. |
No matter how many kids are doing it, I still have to decide if I should do it. |
For people without the skill of control, nothing we do has much to do with our future. What happens to us is simply luck, fate, and the roll of the dice. If the Success Gods smile on us, we succeed in life. If they frown, we crash and burn.
The skill of control is about self-discipline and taking responsibility for our own choices. It means to be responsible and self-controlled. It is to understand that we have choices to make, and those choices impact our future.
Children with Control
Children begin their lives with an external locus of control. Kids before first grade will consistently show an external locus of control, and this is normal and natural. Signs of a maturing internal locus will start showing up in first and second grade. Signs of the internal locus of control will be occasional and spotty, but—hopefully—will occur with greater and greater frequency as the child grows toward adolescence.
These elementary years are the prime time for children to learn control. Children can learn that they indeed are responsible for their own choices and actions. However, learning the skill of control only happens when the adults in the lives of children help them to gain a perspective on social situations. Adults can help children realize that they are indeed responsible for their own behavior.
Interestingly, children will use a variety of techniques to absolve themselves of control. They will argue that it isn't their fault. They will "forget" the rule, hoping that the adult will take over. When inattentive adults take over for children, it reinforces their view that "I'm not responsible for my actions."
One of the ways children learn responsibility is to have responsibility. Then, too, they must suffer the consequences of their failure to comply. It is important to give children responsibility, but also to not rescue them too quickly.
For example, if we force children to do their homework in a school-age program, are they learning responsibility? Or are we teaching children that adults are going to take over the responsibility of what their schedule should be? While forcing children to do their homework may get their homework completed, it does not help support their skill of responsibility.
When children have developed a healthy sense of control,
They can think beyond their first response
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Children with this social skill are better at controlling their impulses. They can want to do something, but continue to think about it and come to a wiser choice. Children with control are no longer ruled by their impulses; rather, they have impulses that they can control.
They develop an ability to choose their response.
Lots of things happen to people, but we always have the ability to choose our response. Children with control have a much larger repertoire of responses. Children without control have few responses—and those responses are usually based in aggression or fear.
They are better at managing their own behavior.
Children with control don't behave because an adult is watching. They behave better than children without control because they can manage their own behavior. They accept more responsibility, they display more patience, they are able to be more attentive and stay on task. They aren't managing their behavior based only on the fear of the adult caregivers.
They don't see themselves as helpless victims of an overbearing world.
When children develop an internal locus of control, they are able them to view themselves as in control of their response to life and can make plans for their future. Such children do not see themselves powerless against the future. They do not see themselves as victims. They are able to take responsibility for their actions.
They will be able to delay gratification
They can see a toy they want, for example, and know that they can get it another time. They can put off their desire to have something right now, and understand that waiting is okay. They know the difference between wants and needs.
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Some Warning Signs
All children exhibit an times of external locus of control, especially the younger children. As children get older, the skill of control manifests itself in growing and more frequent signs of self-management and responsibility. So, warning signs are problems only when the signs are persistent and chronic.
Consistent blaming of others.
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A warning sign would be children who constantly blame other children for their behavior. The child who says, "Shelly made me do it" is normal. The child who constantly says that about every aspect of behavior, who constantly complains that "it's not my fault" could be revealing a low control level. |
Persistently victimized
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"Being helpless against the world" is the feeling worn by people with low control. Since children with an external locus of control will feel like they have no influence on the events around them, they often find themselves in situations where they are bullied and intimidated. |
Self-management only when adults are watching
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Children with low control behave when adults are present, but immediately misbehave when adults leave the room. In fact, "self-management only when adults are watching" is not really self-management at all… it's simply the avoidance of punishment. |
Engage in goal-destructive behavior
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"Goal-destructive" means that they act in ways that are contrary to their stated goals. So, for example, they may say they want to be on the football team, but they don't show up for practice. Then, when they get kicked off the team, they say, "that coach wouldn't let me on the team—he was out to get me." |
end of excerpt
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